Key takeaways for caregivers
Although parents may try to shelter their children from collective tragedy, at some point, children of all ages will be exposed, personally or via peers, news, or family. Parents need to talk with their children (whether preschoolers, college-aged students, or somewhere in between) about such events and listen to their children’s concerns. When tragedy or violence strikes at college:
- Parents need to help their college-aged children stay safe from imminent danger and help them develop coping skills. Parents need to adjust how they help based on careful assessment of their children’s needs and abilities.
- Parents’ own reactions and coping (remaining calm, modeling empathy, expressing distress) directly affect how their college-aged children respond, so parents should be mindful of themselves as role models.
- Parents can remain connected via modern technology to their college-aged children, even when they cannot be together physically. Such connections provide support and help youth or the future.
Talking with children about traumatic and violent events
With every act of violence, especially shootings that expose children, adolescents, and youth to harm, we are shaken to our core. As parents, we struggle with how best to protect our children, regardless of their age, but also with how best to help our children cope with and move beyond these experiences toward positive outcomes.
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I am a psychologist who focuses on how to talk to children of all ages about traumatic experiences they have witnessed or endured. As a result of my expertise, news outlets, teachers, other professionals, and even parents ask me for advice on whether they should talk with children about trauma or shelter them from exposure or knowledge. This question increasingly focuses on conversations about horrific collective events that appear in the news quite regularly, including mass shootings, assaults, disasters, and war.
Parents need to say something, even to young children, about recent tragedy
My first response is always that parents need to say something, even to young children who do not yet understand the meaning of the tragedy and the accompanying suffering.
Parents cannot fully shelter their children, no matter how hard they try. Children learn about tragedies from peers, news images, social media, or overheard adult conversations. By taking an active role in communicating with children about a tragedy or violent event, parents can engage youth in a developmentally sensitive way. Specifically, parents and other caregivers should:
- Listen: Some children may just want to talk. Let them. Others may not, which is also fine.
- Be honest. If children want to talk, have honest conversations. These should address the reality that unexpected events sometimes happen and that children will be okay.
My first response is always that parents need to say something, even to young children who do not yet understand the meaning of the tragedy and the accompanying suffering.
Through these conversations, parents have an opportunity to teach their children not only about their own feelings, but also about compassion, empathy, and supporting others in times of need, all of which are valuable lessons, especially in times of crisis.
What about when children are older, especially those of college-age?
Recently, parents have asked how to talk to their adolescent and young adult children following collective tragedy. At one level, the same recommendations apply. Children’s needs do not stop when childhood ends. Parents continue to play a crucial role in helping adolescents and young adults understand and cope with traumatic and unanticipated events.
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At another level, parents need to be much more mindful of how they support their older children. Older teens and young adults are aware of what the events – and the accompanying trauma – mean for them and for others. Therefore, parents should engage in conversations and offer suggestions on coping rather than just intervening directly. However, parents have rarely been given concrete advice regarding how to do this. Scientific research provides some useful suggestions.
How should parents respond when tragedy happens on their child’s college campus?
College students, most often, older teens and young adults, are learning new methods of coping and building new support groups that diverge from those they used earlier in life. These changes are developmentally appropriate and valuable, and they should be encouraged.
In times of violence, particularly on a college campus, here are four ways parents can provide support:
- Help college-age children assess their immediate and future risk of harm
- Assess college-age children’s needs
- Be vigilant about parental inclinations that might conflict with college students’ needs
- Help their college-age children build their own coping skills
1. Help college-age children assess their immediate and future risk of harm
For some tragedies, imminent risk is gone relatively quickly. Violent incidents and disasters often happen suddenly and unexpectedly, and end quickly. If risk is ongoing, parents need to help their children develop a plan to protect themselves. There may be conflicting or limited information available about what to do, and parents’ support in minimizing risks can be especially helpful.
2. Assess college-age children’s needs
Children’s needs are shaped by many factors, including physical or emotional proximity to a tragedy. When that proximity is close, youth may need stronger parental support. When it is farther away, parents’ gentle guidance can be useful in helping their children assess their needs and distinguish needs from fears or other concerns.
3. Be vigilant about parental inclinations that might conflict with college students’ needs
Since most parents’ ultimate goal is often to take away their children’s distress, parents may want to step in and quickly solve their children’s problems. For example, parents may take over scheduling, identify and seek out resources, or set up appointments, all on children’s behalf. This can occur even when children are away from home. Yet children, especially as they get older, may not need management. They may instead need an ear. Expressing oneself following a collective tragedy can be valuable and therapeutic in and of itself. Parents should first listen and gauge their children’s desires and needs, rather than immediately jumping in and telling them what to do.
4. Help their college-age children build their own coping skills
Parents cannot always protect their children from harm or pain. A better approach is to listen to what children say and help them identify how to cope. Some coping strategies may not work, but youth should be encouraged to try different approaches. In the long run, teaching children to cope with tragedy and disaster will be much more beneficial than simply taking control. Children, particularly older teens and young adults, are also quite resilient, especially when they have supportive parents, be they near or far.
How can parents console their children and be present when children are miles away?
In this day and age, individuals are connected, even when they are not together physically. Parents can text and call children, or post on social media. Brief check-ins signal availability, even when parents and children are separated by hundreds of miles. This generation of young people, more than any before them, is very comfortable with the range of channels of communication and their potential benefits, so long as the channels are used in a way that provides support and assistance with children’s personal growth.
If children are close to a tragedy (e.g., they personally knew victims or offenders, they were present during a violent incident) and more intense intervention is needed, parents can help their college-age children find local resources and check in to assess how those resources are working. By helping youth identify and reach out to local resources, rather than simply scheduling appointments on their children’s behalf, parents give their college age children a sense of agency and control, which can help them develop coping skills that will be of value not only in the present, but in the future as well.
Photo by Alex Green
How can parents manage their own stress, anxiety, and fear while being far away during and after a tragedy?
Children, even when they are in college, continue to watch, listen, and learn from adults, especially their parents. Parents should manage their own fears in the same way they would like their children to. Some parents seek support from friends, family, or professionals. Others engage in stress-reduction activities or hobbies (e.g., exercise, reading) or immerse themselves in volunteering to assist others in need; aiding others can be enormously valuable in helping parents focus not on themselves but on those in need (an important skill for all!).
Parents can – and should – explain their coping strategies to their children, who may ultimately adopt the same ones. Tragedy, including unanticipated violence, is an unfortunate and inevitable part of life, and it is important to identify effective ways of coping with such experiences. Like all adults, parents are constantly striving to identify what works best in the face of adversity. Through modeling, parents teach their children to do the same.
Should parents visit campus or bring their children to another location?
Despite many parents’ gut reaction to swoop in and protect their children by removing them from the site of the violence, this may not be best in every circumstance. Parents need to balance addressing their children’s needs with teaching them how to manage difficulties, stress, and challenges, including when these arise due to events outside of youth’s control.
Parents need to be attentive to their children’s needs, offer guidance and support, and be mindful of their own responses.
If children need their parents to be present or are unable to function, parents should consider visiting or bringing their children elsewhere. However, doing so when there is no clear need or risk or when children are functioning well does not help them develop effective strategies to manage difficult situations.
Parents need to think carefully about why they want to visit or pick up their college-age children, how the visit will help, and whether the visit is for the children’s or the parents’ well-being. Open and honest communication can help determine whether it is in children’s best interests to be with their parents or whether it is better to provide support at a distance as youth learn to navigate tragedies.
Parenting is challenging, particularly in terms of helping children respond to, understand, and move past tragedy, violence, and both personal and collective trauma. Managing this challenge while continuing to help youth develop and grow does not become easier when children move into adolescence and young adulthood, or when they leave home, sometimes moving hundreds of miles away.
Parents need to be attentive to their children’s needs, offer guidance and support, and be mindful of their own responses. All of these are important to consider when encountering and navigating trauma and violence nearby and far away, and as we work to ensure that children can adapt and cope in the best manner possible.
