Divorce is like a death in the family, except no one brings you food. I suggest you start treating it like the huge loss it is so that you can eventually come to a peaceful acceptance of the situation and be ready, able and willing to move on to the next stage of life.
Regardless of whether you are the initiator or the recipient, divorce naturally produces fear, anxiety, anger, resentment, bitterness and the occasional bout of hopelessness.
Facing the loss
Although divorce is more common than intact marriages these days, it still feels like a failure in a society where failure is not an option. Going through a traditional divorce process can include times when you feel like you’re dying or your head could be spinning. It’s very uncomfortable, especially if you spent years convincing yourself that marriage worked for you, or that this was just the way it is. The good news is that now you no longer have to pretend that marriage is working for you when it isn’t. Once the secret is out, it can be shocking to see how your friends may have seen this coming for years but haven’t shared their insights with you.
The losses are numerous. You lose a friend, a companion and a lover. You lose the dream of your marriage. You may lose some or all of your friends and part of your family if your in-laws take sides. One or both of you will lose your home and the comfort it represents. If you have young children, you probably won’t see them every day anymore. You will also likely experience some loss of living standards unless you have sufficient assets to avoid this financial loss. Regardless of your financial status, the rest of these losses add up and can hurt your emotional well-being.
The five stages of grief
In my experience with divorcing people, divorce mimics the famous Kübler-Ross five stages of grief: denial (avoidance, confusion, elation, shock, fear), anger (frustration, irritation, anxiety), bargaining (difficulty finding meaning, contact seeking with others, sharing one’s story and perspective), depression (feeling overwhelmed, helpless, hopeless, hostile and wanting to run away from the pain), and acceptance (exploring options, making a new plan for the future, moving on). These feelings arise at some point in the continuum from when a spouse first expresses a desire for divorce, through the process, until a final injunction is issued by a court of law. How you handle those intense emotions during your divorce is critical to coming out of this process whole, healthy, and feeling good about yourself.
Denial – The denial phase often takes place without anyone mentioning it by name, unbeknownst to anyone in the divorce process, including the lawyers. The only person who might know this is happening is someone’s therapist who, of course, can’t tell anyone. While the grieving stages of divorce are not things traditional divorce lawyers talk about with their clients, if you are looking for a Collaborative Separation there will be an opportunity to explore this stage.
Fury – The angry phase of a divorce is everyone’s worst nightmare. This is often when someone “lawyers” with the biggest shark out there, basically putting the blame on the spouse before the other spouse does the same. This is a reactive moment. You and your family will be better served in the long run if you can hit the pause button before hiring an adversarial lawyer and run to the courthouse to “file for divorce” before you’ve worked through all of your strong emotions. My point is that your anger is a phase you have to go through, not get stuck in. If you need the court to protect you from abuse, go to court.
Negotiate – This stage, as it applies to bereavement during a divorce, suggests that at some point in the process you will struggle to find meaning from this experience. You may want to get in touch to share your story and perspective on all of this. This is also a good time for self-reflection and a good mental health professional. It is a time to give meaning to your life in the future, especially if you happen to be a spouse who derived not only meaning but also personal identity and fulfillment from your role in the marriage. As a result, even the strongest among us can feel vulnerable and directionless. Sharing your perspective is helpful if you share it with the right people. In general, your partner is no longer your emotional point of contact, so I encourage you to find someone else who is safe and can maintain your trust.
Sadness and depression – This is perhaps the most difficult part of the divorce process. It hurts to go through all of this. It’s stressful and it’s sad. It’s okay too, in fact, it’s healthy to feel your feelings. However, it’s not okay to cry all the time, especially in front of your children. In that case, get professional help. Divorce is an emotionally complicated time of life and no one is immune from the devastating toll it takes on a family. Handling the dark emotions with compassion and a family system counselor will help everyone around you. Working through the emotional aspects of divorce before attempting to sort out your future financial reality and your relationship with your children will eventually lead you to acceptance.
Acceptance – True acceptance of reality is difficult. It’s so much easier to tell ourselves a story we’d rather hear. But at some point in the grieving process, you’ll find yourself saying, “OMG I’m so tired of hearing myself talk about this” and “Enough is enough. Let’s get through this divorce and move on. When you get to that stage of your emotional rollercoaster, that’s a breakthrough worth celebrating.
Note that the challenge with most divorces is that these breakthrough moments usually don’t happen at the same time. So if you’ve had yours, but your partner seems to be stuck at another stage of the process, it’s your job to focus on rebuilding your new life while being patient and showing empathy for your partner . They will catch up with you on their own timeline, which cannot be rushed by arbitrary deadlines or court dates.
Don’t expect the feelings associated with a divorce to be “neat and tidy.” You may feel some, but not all of these feelings. There is no “right” way to get through this process. Do your best, get professional support, and be wary of anyone telling you what it’s going to be like or how long these strong feelings will last. Everybody is different.
The collaborative divorce process
Fear of the future is common at the beginning of the divorce process. You are the proverbial stranger in a strange land. You don’t speak the language and you don’t know all your options. You process all the losses. Our culture adds an extra layer of guilt to make it seem like divorce is someone’s fault, that someone is to blame, even though we have so-called no-fault divorces.
The traditional advocate will follow the initial path you’ve laid out, even though your perspective changes once you’ve worked through the grief. Maybe you’re not so angry anymore. You just want to move on in peace because you have worked through your grief and you are now in acceptance.
Collaborative Divorce provides the privacy, space, and dignity to navigate this life transition at a pace that makes sense for you and your partner. The lawyers have a supporting role, not a combative, hostile one. There is a mental health coach to help normalize intense emotions. A financially neutral person is part of the team to collect, organize and analyze the best financial options so that you and your partner can untangle your marriage and face your future with confidence knowing that your divorce is on the right track. most humane way. .
Collaborative divorce is about choices; it refuses to succumb to a model designed to break things apart and make people feel broken. It accepts you and your partner as you are and recognizes that you will grow, change and heal over the course of your divorce process. It enables you to align the process with your own core values. It encourages you and your partner to come together to part amicably and respectfully.
How does it work? You and your partner will each maintain jointly trained lawyers and an interdisciplinary team will be established. Agendas are set in advance of meetings and you have more control over the pace of your divorce process. The team is there to provide the right support at the right time. Collaborative Divorce is an out-of-court settlement process that is legal in every state of the United States and is practiced in Canada, England, Australia, Israel, Italy and Denmark, among others. There is structure, support, and the expectation that you and your partner will become healthier and better friends or co-parents than a married couple.
The flip side of grief is resilience and opportunity
It will take time to process everything. But take heart – you will be transformed by this experience. The key is to look at divorce beyond the lens of grief and loss, to one of resilience, transformation, and an opportunity for personal growth.
Author bio
Nanci A. Smith, Esq., is an attorney licensed to practice in Vermont and New York. She is the president of the Collaborative Divorce section of the Vermont Bar Association, a leader in its collaborative divorce practice group, and a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals.
She regularly writes and talks about divorce, family law, ethics and collaborative divorce practices. Smith is the author of Untangling Your Marriage: A Guide to Joint Divorce (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, October 11, 2022). More information on nancismithlaw.com.
