I tried to resolve an argument with my wife, Susan, and it was clear from her reaction that I had said something wrong. Fortunately, we have a rule when fighting: if we say something wrong, we can do it again. Whenever one of us yells a do-over, we get to rephrase what we were trying to say. It has saved me on many occasions, such as this one. Ever been in one of those situations?
You fight with your partner, and as it gets more intense, you wonder how you got there. Sometimes it’s because we say the wrong thing. Other times, our approach, tactics, or habits are the problem. I’ve noticed a parallel between the way certain animals behave and unhealthy styles of argument. Do you act like these animals when you argue? Here are 7 bad ways to argue with your partner.
1. Like a turtle
It’s easy to retreat and hide when conflict arises, like a turtle retreating into its shell. While it may sometimes be necessary to step back, gather your thoughts, and regroup, backing off in an attempt to avoid the conflict never ends well. Spouses who ignore problems have marriages that don’t get closer or stronger.
2. Like a chameleon
If a spouse says something hurtful during an argument and we answer insult with insult, we become like chameleons and blend into our surroundings. But doing to your partner all the hurtful things your partner does to you will only cause spouses to “align” each other, an unnecessary and hurtful escalation. Responding respectfully while fighting with your partner has the power to de-escalate.
3. Like a skunk
It is sometimes tempting to unleash your emotions, especially anger, on those closest to you. But that makes us skunks, who don’t spray in a reasonably targeted way, but go wild on anything and everything around them. We need to be honest about how we feel about conflicts with our spouses, but we can do so without spewing vitriol about our loved ones.
4. Like a lion
Lions and tigers hunt vulnerable prey and go for the kill. We are like lions and tigers when we target the most vulnerable part of a partner’s heart just to end the fight. But stopping a conflict with that one comment, criticism, or insecurity that you know will bother your partner won’t help. Focus on understanding each other’s perspectives and working towards a solution, not malicious attacks.
5. Like an alligator
Alligators sometimes lie in wait unseen and surprise their prey. In the same way, when we raise an issue with a spouse out of the blue, we create or exacerbate conflict, and we do it at an inconvenient time. If a partner is not given time to think through an issue thoroughly, his or her response is more likely to be emotionally charged. It is better to carefully choose a time and place to bring up a challenging topic.
6. Like an ostrich
You’ve probably heard the myth that ostriches bury their heads in the sand. They don’t really, but people often do, even if we keep denying what’s bothering a partner. But pretending that a problem your wife or husband has with you isn’t real or doesn’t need your attention will only drive your partner away from you. Acknowledge the issues and your partner will feel heard and validated.
7. Like a hawk
Hawks soar overhead, often perched where no one will see them, looking for prey. Do you do the same with your partner? The answer is yes, if you find yourself looking for opportunities to say “I told you so!” or “Look what you’ve done!” But trying to find reasons to attack encourages seeing each other as enemies rather than teammates. Instead, be patient with one another and show mercy to one another. Doing this communicates that you know you are both human.
What other instincts do you feel rise up when you have tension and conflict in your marriage? What better answers have worked for you? Share in a comment.